This page is...I've decided, where I get to spew and share my opinion.
I'll change it as often as my schedule allows and sometimes maybe, even sooner
depending on how I am feeling about "stuff".
I'll tell you now that it will rarely be about music or playing the
violin except for the
times when it is.
I invite you to spew and share as well. For an archive of my previous opinions, click here. Email firstname.lastname@example.org
If I Were King of the World
- Decree that spring start in March, not the last week of April. (That's for those of us on the East Coast)
- Outlaw bullfighting. Anyone caught participating in this shockingly barbaric sport will be...well...speared to death. I will be there personally to cheer.
- Make sure that the running of the bulls in Pamplona is NEVER outlawed. I hear that people sometimes get injured at this fabulous event. Hey, if you're stupid enough to allow bulls running all over your streets, then you deserve to be injured, one can only hope, seriously.
The Spanish need to rethink some of their "traditions."
- Institute a training program for all families traveling with children. The program will "prepare" the little darlings for the whole flight experience. Families whose children do not pass this course will NOT be allowed onto an airplane. They can drive -- in the truck lane.
- Force George W. Bush to take a truth serum followed by an address to the nation in which he would then have to admit that he is following through with his father's dysfunction and his own obsession with Iraq and that everyday we continue to be at war with this country, the Bush family business (their "other" business: arms) makes millions.
- Motorists that drive the speed limit in the passing will have their licenses revoked -- forever. Nothing, nothing makes me madder than someone who thinks they're a "safe" driver because they drive the speed limit -- completely unaware that they are forcing every other car on the road to drive recklessly, swerving in and out of lanes in a desperate attempt to pass them. These "safe" drivers driving ever so "safely" in the PASSING LANE!!!!!
- Decree that everyone who is vehemently against gay marriage be made to reveal the absolute truth as to why they feel so threatened by this.
Which brings me to my next plan:
- Outlaw with a passion the use of the Bible and the Constitution of the United States as an extreme and obvious excuse for these morons to vent their uneducated, biased, prejudiced, hypocritical and pathetic views. If you want to stand up and shout out your useless opinions, fine with me. It's a free country (ha!), and that is your right. Just please stop saying, "it's written here," "it's written there." Couldn't you just say, "in my opinion" or "I believe?" Whassamatter, chicken??
Besides, everyone ought to know by now that the Bible was "edited" by the Roman Catholic Church. And let's face it folks, if it's hypocrisy you're looking for, nothing beats the Vatican. I am allowed to say this because I am Roman Catholic.
Which leads me to this one:
- Everyone must now and forever stop saying, "my religion is better than yours." Enough is enough.
- All people will be ticketed and fined one thousand American dollars for exiting an escalator, or revolving door, or any door onto a crowded street and just ... standing there. Considering how many people partake in this annoying activity, I plan on using all the money to better the country -- thus eliminating taxes altogether.
- For every building and establishment that exists now, I will build an exact replica -- for smokers. This way everyone will be happy. Whether you like it or not, smokers are people too -- who pay taxes and work hard and contribute and have to put up with you brainwashed morons who actually believe you'll die if I light up a cigarette. This new society would be like a parallel universe. Very Star Trekian, huh?
- Here's a simple one, but I like it a lot. All museums are free! This might actually promote the younger generation and people who can't afford the price of admission for all their kids to actually go to the museum!! And learn something maybe??
- Listening to, learning about, and appreciating classical music, ballet, opera, jazz and the visual arts is from this day henceforth MANDATORY -- punishable by death.
- Here's one I like so much it makes my eyes roll right into my head with glee. People who have devoted more time and energy and commitment to their chosen profession will earn much higher salaries. Good, huh? But wait there's more. Citizens must prove that their chosen profession is harder and requires more work and skill than others. For example: being a meter maid is not as difficult as being a brain surgeon -- doesn't really require the same kind of commitment, now, does it? Singing a boring pop song is not as difficult as playing the Sibelius violin concerto. If you don't believe me, please feel free to try both. Singing a pop song can be accomplished in a matter of minutes. You need 30 years of hard work to play the Sibelius. There is no short cut, and that is the plain honest truth whether you like it or not. I worked a lot harder and a lot longer than Britney Spears, so I should earn what she's earning. She, by the way, does not qualify for my salary.
- From this day forth I will decree that every designer outfit is made in every size and, furthermore, modeled by men and women ranging from size 2 to 16 at every fashion show. The pictures (of all the models) will then be published, and the entire population can then decide if they will look good in the outfit and therefore purchase it. Similarly, no designer outfit will be priced at more than three hundred dollars. The fashion moguls will more than make up for the money because millions more will actually purchase these outfits.
- There will be amazing riches and countless rewards for any person who sacrifices themselves for the benefit of others. They will be made into heroes, and children will have to recite their names in thanks each morning at the beginning of school.
- I will extend the duration of each day by 6 hours -- therefore giving us all 30 hours per day.
- Rap music will be distributed by a generic label (no picture on the cover, no publicity, no tours) and sold only at Piggly Wiggly stores. The albums will be placed in large trash cans and placed in between the underwear and complaint department.
- Television will return to its old format, meaning actors, writers and directors will be employed to create dramatic, informative and comedic shows meant for our enjoyment.
Which brings me to this next point:
- Reality TV and the Holocaust will be studied in schools as part of "Bad things that happened in history" class.
- Ben Affleck will no longer be allowed to act.
Well, I'm relatively sure that I'll have part 2 and 3 and maybe even 4 on this subject soon enough, but for now I apologize for the venting -- that's the beauty of having your own website.
But what the hell do I know,
© 2001-2005 Nadja Salerno-Sonnenberg